Keeping Relationships Real

Amy G Martin APRN

Have you ever thought about what it takes to be real in relationships? Some people come by this naturally, their feelings expressed as effortlessly as breathing. Others choke on their emotions, unable to put into words, those things that are so important to maintaining honest relationships. Maybe because of past experiences, past hurts or disappointments, they become expert at diverting attention to a different topic or maintaining the focus on superficialities. Have you ever been ready to pour out your story, when the listener swiftly changes the subject, communicating non-verbally, that they’re not ready or willing to hear what you have to say?

The hardest part of being real is when the feelings are difficult, with differences in opinions or situations that bring up fear. Being real takes a willingness to be vulnerable and allow emotions to come out…either in a controlled or uncontrolled way. One reason that relationships stay superficial is because of not knowing how someone will respond if you do share your deepest feelings; another is not knowing how to respond when someone is in distress. “What could I say that won’t sound stupid?” is a thought that comes up that allows us to avoid potentially uncomfortable situations. Or the assumption that those around you already know how you feel, so you don’t need to reiterate or state the obvious.

The truth of important relationships, whether family, friend, co- worker or intimate partner, is that speaking about what is real and sacred to you, is what fosters and strengthens that bond.

If you don’t know how to put your feelings into words then simply saying that, “I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling…” can be the first step to communication. The gift of your willing presence, your ear and a response that says you are listening is what people need, to know they have your support. No answers are necessarily required, no solving of the problem, but just an open mind and receptive heart, to show you really do care what this person is going through.

When you want to show someone you are truly listening in an active manner, then the best response is reflection. When someone says, “I’m so upset about….,” a reflective response could be, “Sounds like this is really a difficult situation for you.” Communication breaks down when you hear something, automatically assume you know what it means, and respond in a reactive or judgmental way. This usually either sets the scene for a battle or shuts down the person who tried to express their feelings. Many extroverts have to talk out loud to understand what they are feeling themselves, whereas introverts figure things out internally first, before expressing anything. Understanding these differences can help to avoid miscommunication.

Marcia was a very emotional, extroverted woman who expressed her feelings easily and often. Her husband Lou was a loving man, but a quiet introvert who had a hard time getting in touch with his feelings. When she was faced with stress, and looked to Lou for support, he would become overwhelmed by her outpouring of emotions, and just shut down. He would scramble to hide and try to come up with a quick defense, only making Marcia more upset. His response would be to become more distant and even quieter, because he thought he couldn’t help, which would only frustrate his wife further.

This breakdown of communication could be solved if they would acknowledge a few specific things: 1. that they are on the same team, not opponents 2. that they have different communication styles 3. that if they stop and take a moment to break down their communication into three separate steps, they would be able to come together, heart to heart, and experience the deep sense of connection they desire. Harville Hendrix, PhD states in his book, Getting the Love You Want, that the three steps are simple and clear, to listen accurately, to understand and validate, and to express empathy and compassion.

Once this shift in interaction happens, all preconceived notions and misunderstandings can be resolved, you can practice being real and feel that depth of connection, which turns out to be the greatest gift of being human.

Amy Martin is a Nurse Practitioner and Doctor of RoHun Transpersonal Psychotherapy. RoHun Therapy is an alternative to traditional psychotherapy. Her private practice is at Center for Healing Therapies, 83 Boston Post Rd. Waterford, CT. Call for a consultation. (860)443-0800, or go to www.Time4Healing.com for more information.

Article published Dec 7, 2011 in Grace Magazine
Wellness is a way of life at Center for Healing Therapies
By Faye Trafford
Every now and then in life, we get stuck. We get frustrated, irritated, and discouraged. A job or relationship loss may leave us with an immovable sadness. We may be coping with the loss of energy that comes with illness or age. Sometimes one personal crisis follows another, too quickly to be absorbed.
Add to that the pace and disconnect of modern life, the climate of anxiety in uncertain financial times, and it is no wonder people are struggling, some trying to displace a hurt they can’t even name.
“So many people come to us and they say, ‘I need help. I don’t even know what’s wrong,’” said Nileen Drzewianowski, a massage therapist and teacher who left her job in nuclear physics to establish the Center for Healing Therapies in Waterford with co-owner Amy Martin.
“Look at all the expectations we have for ourselves in our lives,” said Martin, a board-certified nurse practitioner, hypnotherapist and doctor of RoHun transpersonal psychotherapy.
“We want to be happy, successful and have the things we want; we want our kids to be happy and successful and have the things they want. It becomes easy to get away from our internal knowing…”
” — And our core values,” added Drzewianowski.
The center’s growth over the last few years mirrors the way in which the women have shaped their lives around their own core values. From two rooms in a professional building in Niantic to the current multifaceted facility at 83 Boston Post Road in Waterford, the center grew as they realized the need to put together more classes and workshops for the clients they were seeing with both similar problems and interests, and as Drzewianowski realized that her heart and full-time future lay in massage and other therapies.
“Massage has been a wonderful vacation,” from 23 years in the nuclear field, she says smiling. “I was always athletic, and body-aware. … I always worked on others. Someone finally said to me, ‘You know, you can go to school for this,’” she says.
While still working her day job, she attended the Connecticut Center for Massage Therapy in Newington, which she describes as “one of the better decisions of my life.” In addition to her work at the center, she now teaches at the Groton campus.
“We are touch-deprived in our society,” Drzewianowski said. “We are not present to one another. So when an individual comes in the door … we are here 100 percent for them.”
Martin’s three decades of clinical experience as a nurse practitioner in women’s care, psychiatry, gerontology, adolescent and community care of special populations led her to research nontraditional treatment options for those in physical and emotional pain. RoHun practitioners hold that negative feelings and thoughts are not mental abstractions, but manifest as physical energies which can “block” people from creating the lives they want.
“It’s a transformational therapy,” she said. “It’s very freeing when you can do what you were meant to do, and you’re not held back by irrational fear.”
The center also offers reiki, qi gong instruction, acupuncture, yoga for all ages, personal training using weights, bands and kettle bells; hooping classes and parties; a variety of support groups, counseling for individuals and couples, meditation and holistic weight-loss classes, hypnosis for smoking cessation and several forms of massage, as well as continuing education classes for massage therapists. Visit centerforhealingtherapies.com for more detailed information and schedules.
Drzewianowski describes their clients as people “who are starting to take responsibility for their own wellness.”
“They don’t want a pill. They don’t want to treat the symptoms,” she says. “They want change. They are willing to change their lives and willing to change their habits.”
The pair said that staff work on finding the right tools for each individual. They describe it as an exploratory, growth-oriented process. Martin spoke of one woman, a longtime massage client, whose life was in some turmoil due to a death in her family. She was also facing the prospect of knee surgery — which her medical team advised her she could probably avoid if she lost weight. She began attending a wisdom group at the center and pursued yoga, personal training and nutritional counseling.
“Six weeks later, she had lost 12 pounds,” Martin said. “With no drugs, no surgery. She was simply able to accept and love herself more deeply.”
Helping people restore their self-esteem and remember their gifts is the most meaningful thing about their work, Drzewianowski and Martin said. It is very moving, Martin added, to see the physical transformation that accompanies emotional well-being.
“You see a change in posture, in their demeanor,” she said. “You actually see the light in their face.”
Most of all, they encourage people not to give up.
“So many people feel isolated, alone, lost, unsure, yet they would never tell anyone. And people need to know they’re not alone, or weird or crazy. There is more to life than just the stuff we gather, and our experiences. When people can finally touch that truth, their true purpose,” she says, the real healing begins.

Reclaiming Your Life

by Amy G. Martin APRN, RhD

Remember when you were younger and thought all things were possible? Remember the excitement of expansive dreams and aspirations? And then life happened, with its ups and downs, joys and pains, love and hurt, and the hopefulness of youth is replaced by doubts and limiting beliefs, cynicism and a vague feeling of powerlessness. And one day you wake up and find yourself in a life that is nothing like you imagined. This is the point when some people just give up and say, ‘’this is just the hand I’ve been dealt…I’ll just adjust my dreams and be okay simply getting by.”

The truth is, there is an alternative to just getting by, and that is to make the decision to take back control and reclaim your life. The Serenity Prayer is the perfect starting point. “Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” We cannot change the past, we cannot change other people’s opinions or personalities, but we can change our own lives and attitudes and thought patterns. We can change our re-actions.

We all have, what is described in the computer world, as a “default mode.” That is when we fall back to behaving in the manner that is most familiar. For example, when criticized, we may repeatedly retreat into ourselves for protection, while condemning ourselves harsher than anyone else could. Other default mode behaviors include looking outside ourselves for reinforcement of who we are, or automatically becoming defensive when an opposing opinion is presented. All of these are unhealthy reactive behaviors, which have, over time, become bad habits.

When we live in this way, always defaulting to the easiest, most familiar path, we give up control, give everyone else power over us and put our identity and worth into the hands of others. No one else can define us, unless we permit it. Why should we limit ourselves to the scope of someone else’s imagination?

Taking back control and reclaiming your life means to take full responsibility for your life. No more blame, no more retreating in fear or to avoid conflict, no more living small just to feel secure. When you hold back you do a disservice not only to yourself but to the world, because those you could have influenced have been denied your unique gift. Reclaiming your life means believing in the power of your dreams, choosing to be happy and knowing your worthiness. Taking charge of your health, peace of mind and your part in all your relationships will put you in the position of power over your own life. When you let go of being a victim of circumstance, you take back control to choose your next steps. No matter what your situation, you have the freedom to change.

All of life is a learning opportunity; changing your circumstances takes changing your thinking; filling the mind with faith, expectancy of good and envisioning limitless possibilities will carry you to an existence in which you are the master.

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­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Amy Martin is a Nurse Practitioner, Doctor of RoHun Transpersonal Psychotherapy and Certified Hypnotherapist. She is the owner of Center for Healing Therapies, a holistic wellness center, located at 83 Boston Post Rd. Waterford, CT. Counseling, Massage, classes and groups for personal growth and transformation. Find out what is available for you today. www.time4healing.com. (860)443-0800

Healing From Childhood Sexual Abuse

By Amy G Martin APRN

Someone recently asked me if hypnosis could work for getting rid of bad feelings, like the anger and shame of sexual abuse, and the answer is not a simple one. Hypnotherapy helps a person accomplish what is desired, unless there are stronger unconscious reasons to not have the desire fulfilled. Peace and loving feelings can be yours, but first you would have to confront all the reasons you don’t feel these things. Sexual abuse and molestation have a deep impact on the psyche, especially when it happens in childhood, as that is when the ego in the process of development. It’s not the events that happened in the past, as much as what someone tells themselves about themselves that has the deepest impact. Those painful emotions, the ones that run the deepest, are the most hurtful.

Children are supposed to be protected from harm, so when a child is molested, abused, hurt or used for someone else’s satisfaction, the primary emotion that a child will feel is fear. Because children don’t have enough life experience to take in the truth of what is happening, (that an adult is abusing his or her power) the victim begins to develop faulty thoughts. A faulty thought is a persistent negative belief, that although false, it is believed as truth. These might include: “There is no one to protect me,” “I must be worthless,” “I’m bad,” “I’m dirty,” and when the abuse goes on over time, the subsequent thoughts might be, “It doesn’t matter anyway,” “I must deserve this treatment,” with feelings of guilt, especially if a sexual response is elicited in the victim and mistrust in adults.

There are over 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in this country, and although it is reported almost 90,000 times each year, the number of unreported abuse is far greater because children are afraid to tell anyone what has happened. (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2004). It is estimated that one in four girls and one in six boys will have experienced an episode of sexual abuse while younger than 18 years. (Pediatric Annual, May, 1997).

While these numbers are shocking, it is very possible that you or someone you know has experienced this devastating situation, and knowing that help is available and healing is possible can be the first step in finding peace. When a victim of abuse begins to consider the thought, that maybe, possibly, they could be healed of this deep trauma from the past, then and only then, is a transformation possible. “Letting go” only happens when the effects of the trauma are understood and acknowledged. Then, with help of a trained counselor, the process of forgiveness can begin, first and foremost for oneself. A person needs to be ready, needs to have enough ego strength to face their past, and to challenge their faulty thinking.

RoHun Therapy is a “transpersonal psychotherapy,” and it gives people an opportunity to reclaim their lives and integrate the parts of themselves that were fractured, due to the pain of abuse. Transpersonal just means that it goes beyond the personality, to integrate the Higher Self, which is the part of us that holds the wisdom and understanding that can heal anything. When a person is ready to do some work, it will utilize all the strength they have, and the transformation and freedom felt will be worth every ounce of effort and life will never be the same.

Living Amidst Chaos

By Amy Martin APRN, RhD

Whether it’s the holidays or typical days, the world seems to spin at full speed, and we must choose to either run at a matching pace or lose our place in the parade. The cost of stress in our lives is higher than we might realize, with physical maladies, high blood pressure, tension headaches, heart disease, chronic back and shoulder pain, as well as emotional difficulties, like drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety, worry or simply the inability to relax and enjoy life.

We tend to rush from here to there, check our messages and emails way too frequently, eat on the run; multi tasking has become a revered talent and our relationships suffer because we don’t give ourselves time to be quiet and present in them. Finding peace within the chaos of life must become our new priority.

No matter what is going on during your day, taking a moment to stop, quiet yourself, breathe deeply and come back into this very moment will help give you a sense of balance. You don’t have to know how to meditate, though it would help, but just become aware enough to call it, when you feel the tension rising in your body, and assuage it by becoming mindful.

Mindfulness is a newly recognized method of therapy for depression and anxiety, a simple and powerful way to understand your core mental habits and patterns that lead to imbalance. To be mindful is to be completely aware and present, in your body, in your situation, in your relationships. How often does someone speak to you and you listen with only half an ear, with your mind engaged elsewhere, and think it’s acceptable!

There is tremendous power in finding peace in the face of craziness; it is the stability and rational thinking that shines in an emotional storm, and the ability to be crystal clear in a crisis. With the New Year upon us and the thought of resolutions in the air, why not make a conscious decision right here and right now? When the world’s spin speed seems to want to knock you off balance, just make a decision to stand still. Stand in your own energy, your own wisdom and find the internal quietness that comes with steady, smooth, intentional breathing. Bring yourself back to this moment, turning away from anticipating the future or regretting things from the past. Choose to be present and that presence will be the greatest gift you ever give to yourself.

Amy G Martin APRN, RhD

Remember the childhood game, “Red Light, Green Light, One, Two, Three?” You close your eyes, only as long as it takes to say those words, while your friends quickly and quietly move toward you in order to tag you. The split second before you open your eyes, everyone is supposed to freeze, so that when your eyes are open they all look magically closer than before, as if they hadn’t moved at all.

This is what happened when I returned down under after a 20 year absence. We lived inNew South Wales,Australiafor three years in the late 80s, and while we planted deep roots of friendships, we always knew we’d be returning to the States. A trip back to Oz seemed financially unmanageable as we were raising our family, but then an opportunity recently dropped into our laps, and we couldn’t refuse.

So when we opened our eyes, the children of our friends were now parents themselves, compatriots had aged and some not well, there were deaths of parents, struggles with health and life. And I was overwhelmed with the feeling of how quickly life had passed. How is it we imagine that things will always be as they are now? The truth of life is that change happens, whether we notice it or not, and that the choices we make along the way influence those changes, taking us down paths that alter our entire future.

Everyone says, “Enjoy those children while they’re young, because before you know it these years will be gone.” But we don’t believe it, as life feels so slow, as we are experiencing it, but so fast, as we look back upon it.

So if life, full of twists and turns, successes and challenges, really flies, as we know from our experience, then why don’t we live the life we desire? Why do we imprison ourselves in the limiting beliefs of insecurity or fear? The opportunities are before you; now is the time to act, to take stock and set your course. Take the leap you’ve been considering instead of being in a state of waiting. We wait for the perfect moment, or the ideal set of circumstances; we compare ourselves to others, thinking someone else has more, is smarter or better or has a more perfect life, but when we do this, not only is there no peace, but it stops us from even trying. Shakespeare says, “Our doubts are like traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.” Sound familiar?

How do you do the ‘mind-check’ necessary to control the negative thoughts that threaten your very existence? To move in the direction of your dreams is a challenge if your unconscious mind (the mind you are not aware of) continues to assault you with negative messages. If you had a way of changing your thoughts you would have the power to control your life. The first step is to be aware.

Once you attune to your own mind, in other words, become aware of what channel you are watching, you can decide if it’s a healthy place to be. Medical research is finally acknowledging Yoga, Meditation, Qigong and the list of alternative and complementary therapies as beneficial for anxiety and stress reduction, lowering bold pressure and cortisol levels, as well as releasing the hormones that bring a sense of wellbeing and calm. So the answer is, do whatever it takes to keep you moving forward in a healthy way.

The lessons from down under were many, but three main messages came through.

1. Life will pass whether you are fully engaged or not; waiting for the stars to be aligned before you act may negate opportunities.

2. Everything you touch, every person you interact with, is affected by your energy and intent; stay as conscious as you can to be sure the impact is a good one.

3. Remember to be grateful for every little thing, from the blessings to the tough stuff; it’s all a gift.

So when you count to three and open your eyes, make sure you did the things you meant to do in the way you intended to do them, and keep your mind dwelling on those thoughts that bring hope and possibilities. This is your life; one, two, three…go.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Amy Martin

Center for Healing Therapies, Open House happened on Saturday 9/10… and close to 200 people walked through our doors! It was a full day of activity, education, fun, food and lots of laughter. Thanks to Ivy for the delicious food and Cindy for the cupcakes! There was a full schedule of events throughout the day including Chair Massage by Jen, Ruth and Nileen. Reiki by Debbie, EFT tapping by Roberta, Hula Hooping outside with Dani, Kettlebells with Kelly, Qi Gong and Acupuncture demos by Marc, Body Prayer with Renya and Spirit Dance with Ron. Pat did Chair Yoga, Lisa talked Holistic Nutrition, Elif led small groups through Meditation and Jen led the drumming. Georgia met with people and talked about her Writing for Healing Class, Lynn and Madelene kept the desk running smoothly, keeping the brochures and sign up sheets updated. And I…just stood in awe at what has been created…a place where people can gather, be inspired, educated and healed. WOW.

Check out some of the photos and tag yourself in them. Thanks to you all for an amazingly successful day. Pass the information around…classes are starting and we welcome ALL. Call for info 860-443-0800 or go to www.time4healing.com

Every January, when the new year comes along we have a real choice.
Either go along the same way as we always have,
or choose a new direction.
How many of us just move along the same path as we’ve been on, without even thinking about it.
From now on, every day should be a conscious choice, no more absent minded movement through life!
May the year 2011 bring a new sense of energy and direction to you, so that you can create the life you desire…
a life of satisfaction and peace, a life of love and joy.
You are the creator of your world, be sure to do a good job!